Holidays, 2e, and the Man in the Red Suit

Holidays, 2e, and the Man in the Red Suit

I didn't think I'd be dealing with the Man in the Red Suit on Nov. 2nd (the day before my son turned 8 years old), but I did.  Or we did.  My husband, 2e son, and I went to a local church fair.  The Man in the Red Suit was there - at least upstairs on the second floor and out of sight of the first floor where the fair was held.  Still, I didn't think about potentially seeing Santa Claus on Nov. 2nd.  That's two days after Halloween.  That's too early in my book.  I don't care if it's a local church fair or not.  Actually, that's beyond too early for me.

When we entered the local church fair, Santa Claus was on the second floor, upstairs.  I thought the coast was clear.  I thought, "phew.  We can quickly scan the booths without bumping or encountering Santa and then leave without an ordeal or a meltdown."  After all, the booths for the fair were located on the first floor or downstairs.  They were out of sight of Santa.  Well, that's what I thought.  Of course, it didn't entirely work out that way.

When one of the women running the church fair mentioned to my son that Santa Claus was there, I wanted to kill her and then Santa Claus.  I know that's not very charitable or Christian of me.  I'm sorry.  I had it that day.  As soon as she had said that Santa Claus was there, my 2e son went crazy and had a meltdown leaving.  And I knew we would.  It didn't matter that it's not the real Santa Claus on Nov. 2nd or, in my book, a 'helper' or whatever you want to call it.  

Rationality went out the window.  My 2e son lost it.  He insisted that it was the REAL Santa.  My husband and I were destroying his hopes and dreams by thwarting him to see Santa.  I wanted to scream and burn down the church.  Then expunge any future Santa Clauses as well.  I know.  This sounds kind of harsh.  Sorry.  

I now dread Santa Claus and the sensory over stimulation and hoopla with the holidays.  I agree with Psychology Today's article about ending the Santa Claus myth (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201209/is-telling-kids-santa-claus-is-real-bad-idea). Personally, I'm all for it.  It's just too much on some kids like my 2e son.  He gets overexcited and then has difficulty unwinding and coming down to earth.

So how do you cope with the hoopla and excitement with the holidays with a 2e child?  I try to avoid Santa Claus encounters like the plague.  In our family, we keep the holidays under wrap, as simple, and minimalist as possible.  We don't have ornaments or tree up until the last minute.  That's 12 days or so before the holidays in our home.  Even then, we have a cheap, plastic tabletop Christmas tree which my husband and I bought at Walgreen's for $2.50 years ago.  That's enough, we say.  We don't do big holiday dinners or big family events.  We're not really able to do big family things anyway since neither side lives near us; my husband's family is in the UK.  So we Skype.

For Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, we try to keep things simple.  I cook a lot of vegetables and dishes ahead.  I don't cook a turkey or go all out.  Sometimes we have Indian curries.  Sometimes we don't.  Last year was our first holiday season being dairy-free, grain-free, nearly sugar-free, soy-free, corn-free, and anything-else that I can't remember free.  We still had butternut squash, peas, and carrots, but we skipped the overindulgent food and high-fat/high-sugar/high-everything else foods of prior years.  We substituted black bean brownies and grain-free chocolate cake for what we previously had.  None of us had the sugar highs or lows or other effects and we were better for it.

One of the hardest parts, though, are the presents.  Even though we try to curb and circumvent the presents, it always seems like my 2e son gets lots.  My husband's family sends us the packages weeks before my son opens them.  I literally lock them away in a room until December 25th.  This helps.  We shuffle presents around and hide various ones if my son seems uninterested in them.  This helps too.  I still hate it though and it still seems too much.

What else can we do to cope?  Keep your expectations low.  Like rock bottom if necessary.  In the UK, I could avoid Thanksgiving.  They don't go overboard with the holidays either.  A few outside lights and people think it's Las Vegas.  Here, it's unreal.  So keep things in perspective.  Many Americans overindulge and go overboard.  It doesn't mean you have to as well.

How to deal with MA school officials and paperwork with un/homeschooling

How to deal with MA school officials and paperwork with un/homeschooling

Last year I was a newbie to un/homeshooling in MA.  I felt somewhat confident in what I was going to do.  I saw a 2e expert last June and she advised me to loosely follow a general curriculum series for some structure.  I have nearly a master's in education due to all those required education classes years ago that I need to obtain a MA certification.  I taught history briefly in a public high school.  I regularly read about education to stay current in the field and expose myself to new practices and methods.  

Every state makes their own rules and requirements with un/homeschooling.  In MA, parents are required to submit an education plan to local school officials and obtain approval.  They do not need to submit this paperwork before they seek approval to un/homeschool though.  Parental rights regarding un/homeshooling and is based on case law.  

Since school authorities must review and approve a parent's education plan for un/homeschooling, many parents (mothers) like myself fall or have fallen into a trap or cycle of seeking approval, affirmation, and acceptance from an authority.  We don't see ourselves as holding authority.  We still think others hold power over us and that we're still children in school.  We're afraid of being sanctioned or hauled into the principal's office for failing in our duties and responsibilities.  We still feel the need to justify our reasons and be responsible to others.  We want validation that we are doing the 'right' thing. 

So what do we do?  We go crawling to school officials.  We seek their care, protection, and approval to do the 'right' thing.  We ask if their is paperwork to un/homeschool.  We seek their permission to un/homeschool even though we've already been legally granted and bestowed the right to do so from the courts.

Last year I played this game too.  I went to school officials and filled out their forms for homeschooling.  I didn't legally have to do this and it was an overreach by the local school officials.  But like many, I wanted to make my life easier and gain quick acceptance and a stamp of approval from school officials.  I wanted to un/homeschool without any hassles.  It seemed easier to fill out their paperwork and follow their rules and authority.  I was naive and later kicked myself for having these thoughts.

I, of all people, felt should know better as a special needs mother!  When we were living in NYC, I had to obtain a lawyer to advocate for my son Malcolm to get services.  At the time, Malcolm was being phased out of Early Intervention.  The NYC Board of Education wanted to slash his physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech.  We were already paying out of pocket for the feeding therapy and later vision therapy.  In NYC, the word is to advocate.  And by golly, do special needs mothers know how to advocate in NYC!!  Some of these women are the most savviest you'll ever come across.

In spring, I filled out the forms but in September I got a letter from school officials telling me that the previously submitted form was no longer valid and needed to submit another form with a lot more details and information.  I was livid.  These forms required me to list printed textbooks, curricula, and a lot of other information that I was not prepared to give.  There was also a homeschool support group sheet that specified two religious homeschool support groups (Catholic and Muslim) which I thought had crossed a boundary and bridge between what the separation of church and state and what freedom of conscious/ choice is; we don't stipulate particular religious homeschool support groups and not others, I thought.  

Initially I ignored the letter and refused to submit their newly revised application form to homeschool.  The law was on my side, I told myself.  Then, I did some self reflection on why I was seeking their authority and approval and not being more assertive, pro-active, and responsible for my actions and decision to un/homeschool.

But then the last Friday in September came, I got a voice mail message from the school department: I had not enrolled my son in public school or in homeschooling.  They asked me to phone or submit paperwork asap.  At first, I laughed.  I didn't know I had to actually enroll my son for un/homeschooling!  On the Saturday, I went to an AHEM Conference and became more confident in dealing with the school.

It dawned on me at the AHEM Conference that I'd been neglecting being an advocate for my son like I had been in NYC with special needs.  As a special needs parent in NYC and in MA, I automatically received a parental guide from school officials any time we had a meeting or dealt with the paperwork.  No such paperwork or guide is offered with un/homeschooling.  Nationally and locally, school officials are only too aware that special needs parents obtain lawyers and will pursue lawsuits to get services for their children.  School officials know that parents will sue.  With un/homeschooling, it doesn't work this way.  With a special needs child, you often have to obtain services through the public schools, who still hold control over whether a child qualifies for services or not.  With un/homeschooling, you're not seeking services.  You're merely seeking the public schools to process and authorize your paperwork to un/homeschool.  You are effectively your own principal, teacher, and school for your child/ren.

So after the AHEM Confernce, on the first Sunday in October, I mailed another education plan to the local school officials based on AHEM's sample and with a letter about my parents rights and duties, their respective rights and duties, and their legal overreach with their paperwork.  In the letter, I stated that I had already submitted an education plan and that this was the second notification of my intent to un/homeschool.  I erred on the side of caution and said that perhaps they were misinformed about what I was required to submit.  I included the various case laws in the letter and informed school officials with my prior contact with the ACLU over my rights and freedom of conscious.

By Tuesday, I had received a letter from the local school officials informing me that my education plan had been approved.  I like to think that my letter tipped the balance, but it's hard to say.

It's nearly the end of October and I've finally managed to find time to write a blog on it.  Do I get partial credit for it?  Well, here's my advice to anyone who is planning to un/homeschool and deal with school officials:

1.  Find out what are your legal rights.  Homeschooling is a legal option in every state, though each state follows its own laws and/or guidelines with it.

2.  Find out what you are legally required to submit.  I'd suggest following the letter of the law.

3.  Remember, you have parental rights and authority.  Remember, you do not need to humbly seek permission to homeschool your child.  You already have the right bestowed on you.

4.  In MA, remember the burden of proof rests with school officials to prove that your education plan does not offer the same thoroughness and effectiveness as the public school.

a) You do not need to replicate the offerings of the public schools.  In other words, school officials need to prove before a court of law that what you list on your education plan does not offer the same rigor as the public school.   If you were to list my free and open source guide  or Rebecca Rupp's book, Home Learning Year by Year, it would be impossible for a judge to dismiss your education plan as lacking in thoroughness, effectiveness, or rigor of the public schools.

b) You do not need to use or list any textbooks or curricula.  You are not legally required to use any.  In fact, the law says non tangible educational materials are often more effective than printed textbooks.

5.  Create a paper trail.  Document your words.  Put everything in writing.

6.  Laugh.  Put things in perspective.  The number of un/homeschoolers in MA is still small.  Many school officials may be misinformed, misguided, and overzealous in their duties.  The law is on your side though.  The burden of proof is on them; not on you as an un/homeschooler.

7.  Find support.  An AHEM Conference is a great place to vent, meet others, and gain confidence!!!

A Cattle Prod or a Magic Wand?

A Cattle Prod or a Magic Wand?

Last week I had wanted a cattle prod.  I couldn't motivate my nearly eight-year-old 2e pg son to put his socks and shoes at all.  I gave numerous prompts and notices.  I reminded Malcolm that we could not go anywhere without his socks and shoes on.  This did not make the slightest bit of difference to him.  It didn't matter that he needed to put his socks and shoes on so we could meet friends at the playground. And neither did the fact that we were running out of time to catch a bus for the playground either.

For once in my life, I had wanted to save my sanity and restore my faith that Malcolm could put his socks and shoes on within 5 minutes or less.  I don't think it's unreasonable to request this, especially since Malcolm's shoes have velcro straps.  Instead, it took him 20 minutes or more to put on his socks and shoes.  He was like a lump of potatoes.  I just couldn't shift him.  I wanted to cattle prod him.  Of course, I was beginning to wonder if things would ever change or if I would have an eighteen-year-old son who would spend more than 20 minutes putting on his socks and shoes.

By the time we had finally managed to get out the door and reached the playground, I had desperately wanted a magic wand.  Malcolm had darted absentmindedly across the parking lot.  He hadn't paid any attention to the driver or cars entering and exiting the parking lot.  Did he care that he could have gotten killed or seriously hurt?  No.  I don't think so.  Is this one of every parent's fears?  Yes.  But as a parent of a 2e child this type of situation is often magnified.  The message - we don't dart in front of cars or in a parking lot, period - did not enter Malcolm's mind and was never processed, it seemed.

All the hard work, time, and energy spent effort spent on safety awareness and self-regulation had vanished before my eyes in a blink.  All the years of occupational therapy, vision therapy, and neurofeedback were for naught, it seemed.  Immediately, my mind flashed to living in NYC and the numerous times Malcolm wanted to fly down subway stations or veer off on subway platforms when he was between two and four years old; those times when I was convinced he wasn't going to live to five and instead be tragically killed in an instant.  Those times I had wondered if Malcolm would ever gain the remotest sense of safety awareness or self-regulation skills.  Would the severe sensory processing deficits ever improve within my lifetime or my son's, I had wondered.  Would things ever get better?  But, of course, they did.  It just took a loooong time and a lot of therapies.  And it took a lot of hard work, time, and energy on my part.  Things have gotten better and while the sensory processing is no longer severe as it once was, it's still frustratingly there.

Most parents face these worries and struggles with their child/ren, but for those of us who have or have had kids with such worries and struggles can seem relentless and never ending.  It's the constant daily battlegrounds with safety awareness, self-regulation, self-control, self-help skills (ie. putting shoes on), the attentional deficits, the lack of the body in space concept, and the list goes on and on.  Will it ever end, you wonder?  Why can't my kid just be so 'normal' like the others, you ask.

With these kids, the neurological wiring seems to be faulty or gone haywire.  At times, nothing seems to click.  There doesn't seem to be any internal switches like other 'normal' kids seem to have.  Other times, everything seems to click or be switched on.  And there doesn't seem to be any internal off buttons.  You throw your hands up in the air.  You cry.  You scream.  Your tear your hair out.  Then, you decide to sit down.  You decide to take it one day at a time or as much as you can humanly handle.  You get help.  You get therapy or numerous therapies.  You find support.  Things do improve, but often at a snail's pace.  Over many years, you look back and say, "wow, I can't believe we made it and did it."  Gee, I wish life was easier.

As a parent of one of these kids, you often feel like you're entitled to some neurological replacement parts or at least a daily personal assistant for fortitude in dealing with numerous ordeals and chronicles of daily life.  At times, you're just grateful for a shoulder to lean on and for those receptive ears to hear what you have to say.  That one person who has walked in your shoes or at least similar ones.  That one person who knows what it's like to have a child who may totally melt and lose self-control when other kids have no clue about Mycenaean Civilization (what's that?), never mind pretend to re-enact it.

How many, many times would I have felt more in control with a cattle prod and/or a magic wand or deal with the ups and downs of daily life.  And how many, many times would I like others to accept and compute the child who is out-of-sync yet has an upside-down brilliance which others find baffling.

Carry On George, the Bowditch Man: we will miss you

Sunday, Sep 15th:

We got to First Church (UU) and we found out that George, who we recently met at church, died yesterday.  I am sad.  George welcomed us (my husband, son, and me) into the UU church about a year ago.  In fact, George was the first person to welcome us into the UU church.

Now, there were a lot of things special about George: he was a very kind, caring, friendly (though a shy and somewhat reserved) man.  He had a warm smile.  He had a way of striking up a conversation.  He had a twinkle in his eye.  He was probably close in age to my parents and in-laws so I felt an affinity with him.

What made George special, for me personally and my son Malcolm, was the fact that he was the Bowditch man.  In the spring, my son Malcolm (2e/pg) read Carry On, Mr. Bowditch with me.  He loved it.  I loved it.  I felt relieved to read about a kid like my son.  I felt relieved that there have been others who were very bright, self-taught, and had made a difference in the world without going to Harvard or acing the SATs.  It's a really remarkable story if you're not familiar with it.  With reading about Nathaniel Bowditch, I could see the similarities between my son Malcolm -- the eagerness and intensity to learn jumps out -- and Bowditch's insatiable appetite to learn for the sake of his own enjoyment and pleasure.

Now I don't normally tell people what books we're reading or what my son is doing.  It can sound like I'm boasting, bragging, or like I'm telling a bunch of porkies.  So I normally don't say anything to anyone.  That's part of the unwritten social rules I've mastered with having a 2e/pg kid.  We don't normally disclose what our kids are doing.

I can't remember exactly when or why I felt comfortable telling George that Malcolm and I were reading Carry On, Mr. Bowditch, but at some point I did.  I had mentioned that we're un/homeschooling and he didn't raise an eye.  Of course, I was completely relieved when he didn't question why Malcolm and me were reading it.  When he actually wanted to talk to Malcolm about Bowditch, I was delighted.  George told Malcolm and me that he found Nathaniel Bowditch really interesting and fascinating.  He studied him.  He looked at Bowditch's personal papers and had digitized some of his works to make them more accessible and available to those who were interested in learning about Bowditch, his life, and story.

When the Friendship (a replica of a East Indiaman sailing vessel) was free for a day in the spring, we went and visited the ship to find George onboard as the Bowditch man.  George told us that he volunteered on the Friendship.  He loved it.  He loved showing visitors and Malcolm how to use the sextant like Bowditch did.  He loved talking about Bowditch and his remarkable life.

I didn't know this information until today (Sunday), but George was the director emeritus of the Laboratory for Particle Physics and Cosmology (High Energy Lab) at Harvard.  He never told us.   George was very likely gifted and not too different from Malcolm as a child, though he never said.  Unfortunately, he probably did not feel comfortable telling us about his giftedness, his prior academic life and position, or knowledge because it isn't always valued or welcomed by others, though it would have been by me and my son.  While this was someone we knew for year or so, in a strange way we felt like we had always knew him.  And I can't help thinking about Larry Dossey's work on the the concept of the "nonlocal mind" and how this mind is not confined to the brain and body but how minds spread infinity throughout space and time -- because there's another connection between place, space, time and Bowditch, George, and Malcolm, and me that's here.

Now I know why George had a special place in our heart.  My son could relate to George and vice versa.  They were kindred spirits and thinkers.  Without another adult gifted role model at my doorstep or on the horizon, this makes the passing of George tough.  And without any grandparents around, this makes the passing of George all the more sadder.

Carry On George, the Bowditch Man, we will miss you.
 former director of the High Energy Physics Lab at Harvard.